Pity Party
It was Sunday January 23rd, the day before chemotherapy which I have every eight weeks. I decided I was going to have a pity party. Now that is very unlike me, the person whose goal it is to inspire others, wanting to drown in her emotions and tears. But I knew that there would be 3 to 4 weeks post chemo when my body would experience pain, weakness & major discomfort. I thought rather than waiting and anticipating these things happening I would just give myself permission in advance to let go of my emotions and my appearance of strength. So I messaged my sister-friend Cheryl to share my plan. “I’m giving myself permission for a 2 week pity party... 😂 then I’m getting my act together…” I told her.
Cheryl being the supportive and understanding friend did two things. First she sent me an inspirational message “You can’t break me, my strength comes from God”. Then she sent me a package with a “pity party” necklace & tee shirt with a picture of a cocktail glass and the caption - “I’m having a pity party, pour me”. Haha. That’s what friends are for.
Cancer, Chemo or Covid?
Ironically, the two weeks leading up to chemo, which are usually my good weeks, were miserable. I was sick with a “cold/flu”. I had chills, fevers and my body ached. I thought it was just a bad cold. But then, the week after chemo, my health further declined and I was worse than I’d ever experienced.
On Jan 31st I called my oncologist for an appointment but was told that based on my symptoms I should get a Covid test. I got an appointment that day and on February 2nd it was confirmed, I was positive for Covid . 😩. I was devastated. I’d been vaccinated, boostered and so careful staying home, masking up for appointments, etc.
Now I was in a new fight not knowing what was causing me so much pain. Was it cancer - once again and were my breathing issues related to the pleural effusion - which initiated this 4th cancer diagnosis and had required that a tube be placed in my back for 5 months to drain fluid from my lung cavity? Was it related to chemo treatments which caused pain, swelling and tenderness in my body and vertigo? Or was it this new diagnosis of Covid - the unknown? Getting confirmation that it was Covid did not bring me relief emotionally or physically. In fact I progressively felt worse.
CHRIST
During the month of February, I knew I had to shut down everything and be still. I got off social media, limited calls except from family and trusted the only source that has always proven unfailing - Christ. This being my 4th cancer diagnosis required me to “Trust in the LORD with all “my” heart; and lean not to “my” own understanding. Now with a positive covid diagnosis twice and no doctors willing to see me, I knew my source of strength and healing would come from my heavenly Father. Hadn’t he brought me through 3 prior diagnoses, a stem cell transplant and so many other life challenges. “He’s never failed me yet!”.
So that is where I have been for two months - quietly resting, listening and healing. What I now know is that though I am better I still have the breathing challenges and lack of energy. And having seen a cardiologists this past week, he confirmed that what I am most likely experiencing is long-haul Covid. No one knows how long the effects of Covid last on individuals but having a compromised immune system makes it much more difficult for my body to fight. But if you know me and if you know my God you know no weapon formed against me shall prosper. AMEN!!
We’ve come this far by faith,
Leaning on the Lord.
Trusting in His holy Word.
He’s never failed us - -yet.
Singin’ oh, oh, oh, can’t turn a-round,
We’ve come this far by faith.
Albert A Goodson, Author